The Last of the First

This was the "phrase" of my daughter's senior year.  They were the first graduating class to have attended Salem Hills for their entire high school years.  For me, I am applying it because I want this to be the "Last" of my "First" days with a healthier lifestyle.  I want to continue to improve and achieve, not quit and start over later.  There are only so many chances that we get in life before life catches up to us.

Lately I have felt such a pull to the biggest loser.  While it is always a good show and idea, I am so frustrated that it is limited to those who are already overweight by 100 lbs. or more.  I feel my whole body and mind trying to cry out to them for help.  My family has an extended history of being overweight.  My uncle once weighed in over 400 lbs.  My only natural sister died in her 20's and already weighed more than 300 lbs.  My mother is over 200 lbs, and is currently having to pay the toll for her weight.  She is diabetic and is constantly getting worse.  She may have to soon replace at least one hip.  I can't end up like that.

I am embarassed to be intimate with my husband, remembering back to how amazing I looked and felt 11 years ago when we met.  I have gained 60 lbs since then, and I no longer feel relaxed and "in the moment" when I am with him.

I hate going places because I never have anything attractive to wear.  Everything looks like maternity clothes if they are loose, and if it is a tight outfit, I feel like the Michelin Man with all of my rolls.

I don't like to exercise in public.  I get tired of the looks and snickers... even from my own family.  It is difficult to open myself up to that.

I really want to change, but I can not do it alone... this I already know.  If it were so easy to do it alone, why wouldn't I have done it already and dug myself out of this miserable hole?

Here is to my last "first" day.