cruisin'

I am back in Florida with two of my most favorite people. I look forward to seeing how the weight comes out when it is over. Wish us luck!

Not-So-Welcome August

I can't believe that August is already upon us. To be honest, I am not ready for it. My stress level is beyond belief at this point. I am being very careful to not eat my emotions, but it is disrupting my sleep terribly.

July was pretty good as far as eating goes, and so-so with the workouts. Girls camp, by far, was the biggest workout, as our ward was set at the top of the hill. I hurt my knee the morning of the hike, and I am still nursing it along. One GREAT challenge was that I did the "main event" at the challenge course. It was climbing up the swinging log, crossing on the high wire, and then down the zip line. Let me tell you... the zip line was the easy part.

School will be back in session before we know it... and I don't want it to be. Maybe once school is over, the stress will lighten, too. I hope so.

Really?

I can't believe that we are almost halfway through the month. The faster time goes by, the further I am getting from my goal. I can see how much of it is my fault, regardless of the situation. In the end, very little is out of my control. I may have to work long hours, but I choose whether or not to get my food ready the night before. I may have to grab something quick when it is "one of those days" but I choose which item on the menu to get. I may not have been contacted right away by the gym rep that I sent a message to but I choose whether or not to exercise at home until I get something else set up. Either way, it REALLY IS all about me.

It is good to be home!

Well, this month did not go as planned! I totally thought that I would be able to blog and do my weigh-in while on the road on the vacation. I even stashed my scale in the car. Well, that idea was a bust! No internet on my phone, and cell service in only a few places. I will still send in my weight and outfit photos to show accountability. Then, keep plugging along!

What does stress do? Nothing good!

So, my weight loss has come to a full stop.  My eating isn't overall terrible, but I have had ice cream a couple of times in the last week.  The exercise has not happened this week.

It is all a vicious cycle.  Work has had some pretty heavy things going on, which has had me extremely tied up in knots, without realizing it fully until today.  I can't sleep at night, because I am constantly worrying and processing in my head.  That, in turn, makes it so that I can not wake up in the morning as early as I was.  I now have the added joy of having to be to work an hour earlier, so if I don't wake up early, I have no time to exercise first.  Without getting my morning boost of endorphins, I don't make my eating regular meals a priority.  I have been working two hours later than normal, which means I barely make it home before my husband.  So, we are eating dinner late, without time to do an actual EFFECTIVE workout in.  My water has stayed at half of what I should, and I am only taking my estrogen and vitamins about every other day.

To give you an example of how my body is currently feeling, between stress and the effects of my vicious cycle... Today was the worst day at work that I have had in a long time.  I was doing my job, filling in for a girl on vacation, and then started filling in for one that was let go (a job I am not trained for!)  The tension in the air is so thick you can barely breathe... and even I am in fear of losing my job.  Well, I didn't get a chance to eat the healthy lunch that the kitchen had prepared for me, because I was meeting with resident family members.  Then, I had to run to pick up my kids to take them to their orthodontist appointment.  While there, I didn't do anything... no book, no phone, NOTHING!  As I was letting my body and mind unwind, I realized that my ulcer had started hurting so badly that I was sick.  By the time I got back to work, I was barely hanging in there.  It took until 8:30, at my church activity, before my body relaxed enough that a lot of it finally let go.  I still am not hungry, but am giving myself food to keep my ulcer at bay.

I already miss the energy that I had two weeks ago, when my eyes were opening up as soon as I heard noise outside.  I miss going to bed by 10 or 11, and falling almost immediately to sleep.  I miss getting on my scale and seeing another 1/2 or 1 pound gone.

It is after midnight now, and my late night venting has come to an end.  So, to start my new day (after all, it is now morning), I will end on a positive note.  My soda intake from the beginning of the challenge is still at ZERO!  Way to go, me!

Small Victories

So things have been going ok.  I have been able to do some form of exercise almost every day, whether I have been counting it in my log or not.  Nothing on the level as what it sounds like most people are doing, but to me, it is still a victory I am counting, as it gets me that much closer to my goal.

Eating has gone fairly well.  People have mentioned at work that they can see I am eating healthy, and wondered if there was a reason.  My boss took me and another co-worker to lunch on Monday to a Chinese buffet.  I ate the salad.  :)  I figure that if I start with the healthier choices, I will be full before I can eat the items that are not healthy.

I have had to turn my reminder alarms off at work for my water.  They were getting too annoying.  I still drink water, but probably not as much as I should during the day.  Evenings are good, though, as it is easier to concentrate on what I need to do.

I have taken my vitamins every day but one, and the same with my estrogen.  I am no longer waking up from hot flashes, so I am sleeping a little bit better.

Life is one day at a time, and I am facing every day with purpose... at least as much as I can muster. :)

I love the first few days...

The first couple of days of any weight loss journey, for me, is always the funnest.  The goal seems not so far away and easily obtainable.  The water weight comes off, and my confidence is boosted at the quick results.  I face working out with some enthusiasm, totally oblivious to the pain that will be setting in over the next couple of days because of my recent lack of active muscles.  Then reality sets in.

Making the right eating choices is hard during the week.  When I am at work, there are always temptations.  Vendors and home health companies bring in treats on a regular basis.  Consciously packing a meal every day so that I don't fall into the "easy" choices of fast food at lunch time is very time consuming.  After a stressful day of work, I used to love to enjoy a bowl of ice cream, some time between dinner and bed... usually after the kids were all in bed.

The endless bottles of water, which I currently still struggle with getting even close to the proper armount of water, present an altogether different problem at work.  I work on the opposite side of the building than the two employee bathrooms.  Do you know how difficult it is to be able to stop working to walk over to go to the bathroom every 1/2 hour to hour?  I feel like it takes me at least that long to get my mind focused back on my work.

So, on day four of my lovely journey, I am not feeling overly excited.  I am sore, somewhat cranky, and eyeing my water bottle like it is a snake that I am trying to stay clear of.  But, on the bright side, seeing the difference on the scale from the water weight is enough to keep my eyes set on the goal.

Time to get to work!

Here it is!

So, I have been thinking about some of the goals that I have for myself.  They aren't things that will play the most important roles in my weight loss, but they do for my overall health.

1.  Sleep.  This needs to be a priority.  Even if I can't sleep, I need to stay in bed with my eyes closed.  That will at least give me some rest.

2.  Water.  I need to make sure that I drink my water every day.  To do this, I have set alarms on my phone.  I will use these alarms until my body is naturally in the habit of doing this.

3.  Vitamins.  I will be setting a reminder to take my vitamins with my breakfast in the morning.  This will accomplish two things... eating breakfast and making sure I have my supplement.

4.  Estrogen.  This will be taken in the morning.  I tend to go for up to two weeks without taking it, and by then my body temperature, etc., is screwed up.  I believe that this has a part in my lack of sleep, as well as my wide range of cravings.

Of course eating healthy and exercising will be the two major components, but these items are ones that will have direct influence on whether I am setting myself up for failure or for success.  I choose success.

The Last of the First

This was the "phrase" of my daughter's senior year.  They were the first graduating class to have attended Salem Hills for their entire high school years.  For me, I am applying it because I want this to be the "Last" of my "First" days with a healthier lifestyle.  I want to continue to improve and achieve, not quit and start over later.  There are only so many chances that we get in life before life catches up to us.

Lately I have felt such a pull to the biggest loser.  While it is always a good show and idea, I am so frustrated that it is limited to those who are already overweight by 100 lbs. or more.  I feel my whole body and mind trying to cry out to them for help.  My family has an extended history of being overweight.  My uncle once weighed in over 400 lbs.  My only natural sister died in her 20's and already weighed more than 300 lbs.  My mother is over 200 lbs, and is currently having to pay the toll for her weight.  She is diabetic and is constantly getting worse.  She may have to soon replace at least one hip.  I can't end up like that.

I am embarassed to be intimate with my husband, remembering back to how amazing I looked and felt 11 years ago when we met.  I have gained 60 lbs since then, and I no longer feel relaxed and "in the moment" when I am with him.

I hate going places because I never have anything attractive to wear.  Everything looks like maternity clothes if they are loose, and if it is a tight outfit, I feel like the Michelin Man with all of my rolls.

I don't like to exercise in public.  I get tired of the looks and snickers... even from my own family.  It is difficult to open myself up to that.

I really want to change, but I can not do it alone... this I already know.  If it were so easy to do it alone, why wouldn't I have done it already and dug myself out of this miserable hole?

Here is to my last "first" day.